New EC Regulations

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.
ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
(PS this is not an invention of S.Ross Esq, it was sourced here: http://www.europanto.be/ )

The Dada Christmas Catalogue by Roger McGough

Chocolate comb
                          Can of worms opener
                          One bookend

                                                               Solar-powered sunbed

Abrasive partridges

                         Inflatable fridge
                         Set of nervous door handles
                                                  Overnight tea-bag

                                                               Instant coffee table
Sly trombone

            Pair of cheap skates
                       Mobile phone booth

                        Underwater ashtray
                                                13 amp bath plug
Pair of socks, identical but for the colour

                         Another bookend

                                     Portable suitcase

                         Genetic make-up bag

                                                        Demystifying spray
Packet of party poopers
                          Nasal floss (unwaxed)
Contact lens adhesive

                                Magnetic chopsticks

Concrete poetry mixer
                         Non secateurs

                                     Not a pipe.

The Shakespearian Supper (incorporating St George´s Soirée)

For many Scots, people with (often distant) Scottish ancestry, wannabe Scots and those who are related to or are friends of Scots going to a Burns Supper on or around the 25th January is a not unusual occurrence.  Often non-Scots (sometimes of the Sassenach genre) find the whole affair somewhat bewildering as they are bestowed with strange food, unfamiliar songs, different dancing and a form of English that is difficult to comprehend. Is this all confusing because people don´t have similar days in honour of their countries´s favourite poets?  In order to redress the balance for any "I´m fine, Jock" Englishmen (or women) I propose a Shakespeare/St George´s Day/Night to celebrate all that is good about being English.  They say that tartan or kilts were English inventions but nevertheless has been well adopted by Scots irrespective of the origins, maybe this could be a Scottish invention to be well adopted by Anglos.  Everyone knows all the best inventions have Scottish origins, fact!  Here is a proposal (not a final plan) for activities and a menu "for sic a dinner":

The Cultural Activities

On arrival: Swing Low (looped ad nauseum) with video montage of Jonny Wilkinson´s Rugby World Cup Winning drop goal, Geoff Hurst´s Football World Cup winning goal, still frame of Will Carling´s face, still frame of a grinning Bill Beaumont.

Readings from all 154 of Shakespeare´s Sonnets.

Welcome from Chair.

Dinner (with background music of Greensleeves and Fairport Convention on loop)

Refreshments.

Performance of Shakespeare´s most obscure plays by local Am-Dram group.

All take the floor for full-contact Morris Dancing with bells, sticks and tissues.

Finale: Jerusalem.

The Dinner

Starter: Cream Crackers with Dairylea served with a radish, pear and apple garnish. (vegetarian)

            Hovis Digestives with black pudding and tripe served on a bed of marmite. (carnivorian)

Main: Faggots served with Jersey "new" potatoes, boiled giant marrow, sliced radish, stewed brussel  

         sprouts, blanched cabbage, fennel spears and roast chicory. (carnivorian)

         Nut roast served with Jersey "new" potatoes, boiled giant marrow, sliced radish, stewed brussel  

         sprouts, blanched cabbage, fennel spears, roast chicory and chicory tips. (vegetarian)

Dessert: Distressed Custard and Pear Halves (tinned) (suitable for vegetarians)

             Eton Mess. (broken merengue, créme, fruit) (not suitable for vegans)

Drinks: served with a choice of Mild, Elderflower Wine, Gin or Elderflower Cordial all served in Pint or

            Half-Pint glasses.

Refreshments: Weak leaf tea or Nescafé instant coffee, served with no cakes or biscuits.

                      Non dairy sweetner and milk substitute available.

Amusing translations

Salir de Guatemala y meterse en Guatepeor.

(To leave Guate-bad and go into Guate-worse)

=

Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

Macaroni Pie

Hiatus, what hiatus?

Do I have a blog?

Does the blogosphere continue without my nonsense?

Why type when nobody reads?

These and many more questions will fail to be adequately answered in the days and months ahead.

Stay tuned (to another source of knowledge/entertainment/infotainment etc, if you want my opinion)

Will it catch on?

Not sure this type of signage will catch on in Real Chip Shops, even though it is clear and eye catching there is something alluring of the old style black and white, where the backboard is pierced with rows of holes and the individual letters are attached. Generally pictures of food in Chip Shops are no replacement for the genuine article and often reserved for the more novelty end of the market (Spring Roll or Cheese N Burger anyone?).

Must post a picture of a good selection with all the family favourites, will have to acquire a picture from north of Berwick Upon Tweed.

NB by real we all know we mean Scottish.

Trailer for New series: life´s little injustices

Just another random wordy activity with those little things which get your goat but seem to have a high frequency of occurance. Nothing mega but just a bit annoying.

Comments and suggestions welcome.

Taking the biscuit 5: Toffypop

(in cross section)

Justice for Cucumbers! / ¡Justicía por pepinos españoles!

Spanish cucumbers seem to have suffered a McCarthy-esque witch hunt. Normally you would find me far from aligned with the cucumber but the recent media injustice has made me become a "Good Samaritan" to this injured veg. Before much (if any) research had been done Spanish cucumbers were being blamed for an outbreak of E-Coli in Germany. Normally such outbreaks are associated with meat and animal products and not usually veg. Look at the circumstances: number of cases in Germany currently around 2000; number of cases in Spain: 1. This person was thought to have travelled to Germany prior to being diagnosed with E-Coli. If the cucumber was the cause it would be rife in Spain, particularly in the south where they love a soup called Gazpacho which is full of cucumbers.

Justice has been served and the German boffins have today said that Spanish cucumbers are not the source of this E-Coli outbreak. A bit late as truckloads of cucumber (pepino in Español) are having to be dumped and several countries are still staying more than a barge pole´s length from Spanish veg. The Spaniards have been eating more than their usual quota of cucumber to prove a point, which I think they have.

I hope they are able to locate the source of this horrendous outbreak and stem the flow of victims in Germany and the smaller numbers of cases being reported elsewhere in Europe. Hopefully the boffins who look into these things will look closer to home before making Paco Pepino their scapegoat again.

As for me I don´t really like the flavour of cucumbers or gherkins, so I´ll be avoiding them as per usual.

Taking the biscuit 4: jammie dodger



Not to be confused with the infinitely more bland and less jammy, "jam ring".

Fruitful Crumble

This month is almost the most fruitful crumble month ever, if I bother or find time to make one more posting. I usually prefer my crumble to have less fruit and more crumble, let´s see how the cookie ........

Taking the biscuit 3: garibaldi

The ultimate cake countdown update

............. still collecting cake data ............


TBC

I think it´s about time we had some puns

A pungent = a man who politely says puns which stink
An ardent = a strong hit into something which leaves an indentation
to be keybored = when doing lenghty amounts of typing
An escalator = an excuse for being late
A polytitian = a collector of Titian paintings
7 days squash = weakly dilluted drink (lemon, orange or otherwise)
sofa so good = a couch which is under construction but is making good progress
pantry = poorly stocked food storage cupboard
larder = well stocked food storage cupboard
couch = a bovine with an injury

Just to have 1 final groan a shan joke:
Why can it be dangerous to play with small kitchen appliances? If you´re not careful you may kettle.

Think you can do worse? Send them this way.

Talking about a revolution

The revolution starts tomorrow.

Have you ever witnessed a revolution? Not sure if I have or the makings of one. The following is based on a visit to the "indignant" camp in Sol, Madrid.

• It certainly starts with people gathering, placards being made with crayons, felt tips, tipp ex etc.
• It seems to include people holding megaphones and loud hailers whether or not they work or whether anyone can hear what people say.
• It always would follow that lots of rhetoric which doesn´t need to be followed through can be said with populist zeal and everyone claps and cheers, regardless of its quality.
• It definitely needs to include the signing of copious petitions for dubious/unknown causes.
• It involves people sitting and thinking.
• It is a pre-requisite to have non-conformist attire, hair-do etc.
• It is an optional extra to have a dog with a rope for a lead.
• It is de-rigeur to be unhappy with all politicians but to believe that to smash politics will lead to a better tomorrow.
• It is helpful to be peaceful and welcoming, this was witnessed in abundance.

Here´s waiting for the revolution.

Happy "San Isidro" day, (tomorrow).

Be like these gents and eat a "clever doughnut" or a "stupid doughnut" to celbrate St Isidro.

Thought for the day

Cuando las gaviotas siguen el pesquero

es porque creen que se echarán

las sardinas al mar

Taking the Biscuit 2: Custard Cream

Taking the Biscuit 1: Bourbon Cream

Food images 2: home sick!

Food images 1: crumble



Happy Birthday to a legend - 82 years young today!

They said it would never last ......

..... yet Charity Shops up and down the UK keep his discography in pristine condition ....

..... bearing witness to his diverse musical legacy ........

..... he always manages to keep the best until last ........

..... watch out for new releases ............

........... what genre will he master next ............

...... Hansi we salute you!

April fool?

Unfortunately I missed the strict time constraints which exist to play an April fool on the web.

Maybe I am the fool to think I can create frequent and interesting content to keep a blog going.

Here´s to inspiration, finding time and hoping to improve this effort.

Ahoy.

Suggestions invited.

Please send your suggestions for Best cakes and Worst cakes in order to compile the definitive list.  This was started some time ago by me but left to fester.

Some people say a cake is a sweet baked product which goes hard when stale and a biscuit is a sweet baked product which turns soft when it goes stale.  This applies to Jaffa Cakes I think which are classed as cakes not biscuits which makes a difference to the VAT charged on them in the UK.

An invention?

Not sure what to call this "invention".  Some possibilities:

Express Cream Tea

Tradesman´s Cream Tea

Schemie Tea

Recipe:

Ingredients:

bread (2 slices)

butter/marg/lard (a scraping)

strawberry jam (a spoonful)

squirty cream (1 tin)

Method:

1. Make a jam sandwich then add squirty cream and enjoy.