New Year Images: Macaroni Pie

New Year Images: Pride of Falkirk

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New EC Regulations

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.
ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
(PS this is not an invention of S.Ross Esq, it was sourced here: http://www.europanto.be/ )

The Dada Christmas Catalogue by Roger McGough

Chocolate comb
                          Can of worms opener
                          One bookend

                                                               Solar-powered sunbed

Abrasive partridges

                         Inflatable fridge
                         Set of nervous door handles
                                                  Overnight tea-bag

                                                               Instant coffee table
Sly trombone

            Pair of cheap skates
                       Mobile phone booth

                        Underwater ashtray
                                                13 amp bath plug
Pair of socks, identical but for the colour

                         Another bookend

                                     Portable suitcase

                         Genetic make-up bag

                                                        Demystifying spray
Packet of party poopers
                          Nasal floss (unwaxed)
Contact lens adhesive

                                Magnetic chopsticks

Concrete poetry mixer
                         Non secateurs

                                     Not a pipe.

The Shakespearian Supper (incorporating St George´s Soirée)

For many Scots, people with (often distant) Scottish ancestry, wannabe Scots and those who are related to or are friends of Scots going to a Burns Supper on or around the 25th January is a not unusual occurrence.  Often non-Scots (sometimes of the Sassenach genre) find the whole affair somewhat bewildering as they are bestowed with strange food, unfamiliar songs, different dancing and a form of English that is difficult to comprehend. Is this all confusing because people don´t have similar days in honour of their countries´s favourite poets?  In order to redress the balance for any "I´m fine, Jock" Englishmen (or women) I propose a Shakespeare/St George´s Day/Night to celebrate all that is good about being English.  They say that tartan or kilts were English inventions but nevertheless has been well adopted by Scots irrespective of the origins, maybe this could be a Scottish invention to be well adopted by Anglos.  Everyone knows all the best inventions have Scottish origins, fact!  Here is a proposal (not a final plan) for activities and a menu "for sic a dinner":

The Cultural Activities

On arrival: Swing Low (looped ad nauseum) with video montage of Jonny Wilkinson´s Rugby World Cup Winning drop goal, Geoff Hurst´s Football World Cup winning goal, still frame of Will Carling´s face, still frame of a grinning Bill Beaumont.

Readings from all 154 of Shakespeare´s Sonnets.

Welcome from Chair.

Dinner (with background music of Greensleeves and Fairport Convention on loop)

Refreshments.

Performance of Shakespeare´s most obscure plays by local Am-Dram group.

All take the floor for full-contact Morris Dancing with bells, sticks and tissues.

Finale: Jerusalem.

The Dinner

Starter: Cream Crackers with Dairylea served with a radish, pear and apple garnish. (vegetarian)

            Hovis Digestives with black pudding and tripe served on a bed of marmite. (carnivorian)

Main: Faggots served with Jersey "new" potatoes, boiled giant marrow, sliced radish, stewed brussel  

         sprouts, blanched cabbage, fennel spears and roast chicory. (carnivorian)

         Nut roast served with Jersey "new" potatoes, boiled giant marrow, sliced radish, stewed brussel  

         sprouts, blanched cabbage, fennel spears, roast chicory and chicory tips. (vegetarian)

Dessert: Distressed Custard and Pear Halves (tinned) (suitable for vegetarians)

             Eton Mess. (broken merengue, créme, fruit) (not suitable for vegans)

Drinks: served with a choice of Mild, Elderflower Wine, Gin or Elderflower Cordial all served in Pint or

            Half-Pint glasses.

Refreshments: Weak leaf tea or Nescafé instant coffee, served with no cakes or biscuits.

                      Non dairy sweetner and milk substitute available.

Amusing translations

Salir de Guatemala y meterse en Guatepeor.

(To leave Guate-bad and go into Guate-worse)

=

Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

Macaroni Pie