New EC Regulations

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl. zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.
ZE DREAM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
(PS this is not an invention of S.Ross Esq, it was sourced here: http://www.europanto.be/ )

The Dada Christmas Catalogue by Roger McGough

Chocolate comb
                          Can of worms opener
                          One bookend

                                                               Solar-powered sunbed

Abrasive partridges

                         Inflatable fridge
                         Set of nervous door handles
                                                  Overnight tea-bag

                                                               Instant coffee table
Sly trombone

            Pair of cheap skates
                       Mobile phone booth

                        Underwater ashtray
                                                13 amp bath plug
Pair of socks, identical but for the colour

                         Another bookend

                                     Portable suitcase

                         Genetic make-up bag

                                                        Demystifying spray
Packet of party poopers
                          Nasal floss (unwaxed)
Contact lens adhesive

                                Magnetic chopsticks

Concrete poetry mixer
                         Non secateurs

                                     Not a pipe.